Who wouldn’t secretly enjoy being the sexiest person in the room?
Of course, most of us consider it impossible. We believe our age, face or figure rule us out. But happily, we’re mistaken.
“This has nothing to do with looks or overt sexuality,” says relationship and psychosexual psychotherapist Clare Faulkner.
We all know people who aren’t conventionally beautiful or handsome, but who become increasingly attractive as we get to know them (disappointingly, the opposite is also true).
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Here, Clare lists the vital ingredients and skills to becoming an object of desire…
FOCUS ON FEELINGS, NOT LOOKS
Confidence is undeniably attractive. When you exude self-assurance and you feel comfortable in your skin, others are naturally drawn to you.
So how can we nurture it? Developing confidence is about knowing your worth, your strengths, and learning to be unapologetically yourself.
Developing a unique style is part of this. It’s not about dressing “well” or “sexily”, but presenting yourself in a way that suits you.
Style can reflect your personality and make you feel confident.
We can also get better at trusting ourselves by tuning in to how we feel, rather than what we look like.
RELAX YOUR STANCE, LOOK, SMILE
Body language is a huge part of this. Think about cultivating a relaxed posture, making eye contact, smiling often — using your body in a way that’s welcoming and draws people in.
Use gestures and facial expressions to convey warmth and interest. This also ensures that confidence doesn’t tip into arrogance (although that too can be sexy, especially if we’re up for a fling rather than marriage!).
WHY TEXTING IS SO UNSEXY
If you’re fidgety or distracted, your focus is inward. B y contrast, people who have “presence” seem at ease with themselves.
Because they’re not self-conscious, they’re able to give others their full attention, which is very beguiling.
You can help cultivate this calm by practising yoga, which connects you with your body and the outside world.
When we feel balanced and unstressed, we’re more available to engage with other people.
If yoga isn’t your thing, just try to hit the pause button. Try to remain in the moment. Turn off your notifications, and put that screen away.
When you’re stuck on your phone, texting away, it’s very unsexy. It doesn’t make you look important or in demand, but instead sends a signal that you’re just not connected with the person in front of you, which is very off-putting.
If you want to be magnetic, try being fully present in the room, not in the corner on your phone.
GLOW WITH A GORGEOUS ENERGY
Charisma is about how you carry yourself, and how you interact with others.
The energy you project is important (if that sounds woo-woo, think how some people make you feel tired and deflated, while others light up the room).
It’s not difficult to glow with gorgeous energy. It’s about being engaging, being genuinely interested in the other person, and really is listening. When you’re curious, and ask questions — in a natural way — that enthusiasm is infectious and exciting.
People feel a frisson and they don’t want to leave your orbit.
QUICK-WITS AND PASSION WIN HEARTS
Being genuine plays a significant role in sex appeal. So embrace your own unique quirks and interests, foster a sense of purpose, and let your personality shine through. authenticity is the key here.
Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
Being passionate about what matters to you is captivating. That said, extreme earnestness can be a little emotionally exhausting — which is why humour and authenticity are great bedfellows.
Quick-witted intelligence is very sexy.
CONNECT TO THE SENSORY WORLD
There’s something very seductive about a person who revels in simply being alive and using their senses.
To me, that’s what sexy is.
Connect to your sensory world, whether it’s savouring the feel of the air on our skin, the smells of spring, or the taste of delicious food.
Eroticism is not something that just happens between the sheets.
When we’re connected to our senses, it radiates out.
Not convinced? Two words: Nigella Lawson . So many men say “the way she talks about food — she is so sexy”.